AisleDash

Dear AisleDash,

My aunt's fiance wants to elope. He wants their wedding to be just him, my aunt, and her 14-year-old daughter, and then they will make a family announcement after the fact. My aunt and cousin don't want that, though. My aunt has never been married and she wants a small wedding, and my cousin doesn't want her mom to elope, either. She's waited a long time to find the right person and my cousin and I have agreed she deserves at least a small wedding. We are slowly convincing him. Any advice?

~R.

Dear R.,

No one should force their significant other into anything they really don't want. That means that your aunt's fiance shouldn't force her into giving up her wedding, but it also means she (and you and your cousin) shouldn't force him into participating in a wedding he's really against. This shouldn't be a deal-breaker; people that are right for each other are able to talk things over and reach acceptable compromises.

It sounds like that's what's going on now -- you say you are slowly convincing him. The key is to present your argument for a wedding without twisting his arm or begging him to do something he's not interested in. Instead, show him how the small wedding you and your aunt and cousin want doesn't have to be that different from an elopement. Some people can't help but think of giant spectacles when they think of weddings, so your aunt will need to assure him that what she wants is not at all the giant ordeal he's afraid of.

Because of my extremely small wedding, one of the only details I really had to plan and shop for was my dress. I remember going into one lovely bridal shop to have a look around. The saleslady asked me the date of my wedding. And I'll never forget the disapproving look she gave me when I told her it was only two weeks away. Clearly I had not followed the "rules" of weddings – or polite society for that matter. Clearly there was something wrong with me. Clearly, I left and bought my dress elsewhere.

This post is about knowing who you are and what kind of wedding you're going to have and that your wedding is really no less a wedding than any other, no matter what your budget, location, time frame, religious beliefs...you get the idea. You see, there are people out there who will try to make you feel bad if you're not looking at the most lavish dress in the store, the most bodacious bunch of flowers or the most tender steak and caviar. These people are salespeople. And their duty in life is to use every means possible to coerce you into spending more on your wedding. It's not their fault; it's their livelihood (and you'll certainly meet some that are truly helpful and hold off the guilt trips). So, choose another shop where the staff is willing to help, not judge. You're no less in love and no less married than those $120,000 brides.

Let's face it. Your friends love you, but if they're not getting married, there's a limit to how much and how often they want to hear you prattle on about your fabulous wedding plans, squabbling bridesmaids, and upcoming honeymoon. That's what the other brides on wedding Web forums are for. Although people can sometimes be a little heartless when they're typing in relatively anonymous fashion on their keyboards, you can garner a lot of support from the gals on the forums who are equally caught up in dresses and decorations and catering menus. There are countless forums out there, each with its own style and personality. You might have to try out a few (and you'll likely have to register with them) before you find one that feels like home. Look for one with lots of brides actively posting every day. Use them to get opinions when you're waffling on all those decisions, to get recommendations and referrals, and to vent frustrations without offending those close to you. These are your pals in your nuptial time of need.

All along you've assumed that after the big day your bride will become Mrs. Groom. You're sitting in the kitchen, chatting with her sister, and she very casually mentions that she will not be changing her name. Most women in the US do change their names, but a certain percentage (10 - 20, depending on who you read) do not. For some men, this is not a big deal: she's agreed to marry you, after all, live with you forever, put up with your goofy sense of humor, maybe even have your babies. That's plenty!

Others, the traditional sort, might find this a bit hard to take. They might see it as a personal rejection, and react accordingly. Of course, it's not a rejection. She's agreed to marry you, live with you forever... (you know the drill, we just said all that). But it can feel that way, anyway.

You might need to have a conversation. Not a conversation so that you can change her mind, a conversation so that you can understand why she's made this choice. Before the conversation, though, think for a bit -- really, really think -- about how it would feel to have to change your name to hers. Never mind that it's not "traditional", and thus "stupid". What would it feel like? And if even a teeny little part of you says, "I couldn't do that! It's my name!", you don't need to have the conversation with her. You already understand why.

Admit it -- you've looked through what seems like hundreds of wedding magazines and found loads of inspirational pictures and articles, but when you've gone back through to find a specific article, you realize you have no idea whether it was in April's Modern Bride or February's Martha Stewart Weddings. And it's so frustrating, because you know exactly what it looked like, but it's hard to explain to someone else, so you need that article.

You're not alone in this problem -- not by a long shot. In order to get organized and alleviate a bit of the stress, you might want to check out Scanalog.

It wasn't exactly what she'd planned. What she'd planned was a quiet, intimate beach wedding: three bridesmaids, three groomsmen, and about twenty guests on the empty white, windswept sands of Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina.

What they encountered instead was the annual Cape Fear Kite Festival. Multi-colored kites, children running freely across the sands, a few SUVs parked here and there, tents for the kite-flying patrons of the festival.

It would be the perfect opportunity for a Bridezilla-style meltdown, wouldn't you think? Her small, private wedding invaded by dozens (hundreds?) of exuberant strangers. If anyone was entitled to feel thoroughly ripped off, it would be this bride. But no. Even though she had no idea until she arrived her wedding coincided with the festival, she commented that "... everyone with the kite festival has been so nice. Besides, the important thing is that I am getting married."

So, if your flowers aren't quite the color you were expecting, if your groom is late, your flower girl refuses to walk down the aisle, or the wedding cake never shows up ... remember: The important thing is that you are getting married.

Imagine spending ages hunting down your dream wedding dress, finding it, paying a small fortune for it and then, when you go to collect it, finding that the dress shop has closed. A nightmare scenario for any bride!

Well, it's something that recently happened to 170 women in England. The shop they bought their dress from unexpectedly closed its doors last month, after just two years of trading.

It's been an enormous shock for the brides affected and and some of them are so angry they have sent death threats to the shop owner, Lisa Clarkson, who has gone into hiding.

Sadly, there will be no refunds and no wedding dresses for the dress-less brides, leaving some women scrambling to find a dress just days before their wedding, and paying a fortune for a last-minute replacement.

The worrying thing is, could this happen to you? With the current economic downturn, more and more businesses are feeling the pinch so it pays to be aware and take some steps to protect yourself:

• Buy from a well-known, reputable dress shop rather than one with a short and unknown trading history.
• Don't pay for your dress in full, in advance.
• Collect your dress as soon as possible after you have paid for it, rather than leaving it until just before your wedding day.

One of the perks of tying the knot -- other than all eyes focused adoringly on you and the free reign of the cake table -- is the ability to register for things you need (or just really want) and then having them magically appear on your doorstep or on your gift table at no charge to you. But if you aren't careful and you don't put a little thought into what you're asking for, you may get a coffee pot when you don't drink coffee or three full sets of red wine glasses because they were all too pretty to pass up (I may have some personal experience with that last one).

Here are a few tips to consider when you set out to put together the perfect wedding registry:

Dear AisleDash,

My family life is pretty messed up. My parents are divorced, and I try to stay involved with my dad's side of the family, but I don't ever want to see my father. Ever since I was very young, he was both physically and emotionally abusive, addicted to drugs, and made my life miserable whenever possible. Obviously, he won't be invited to my wedding. We are inviting his parents and his brother, though, because I have always had a good relationship with them and want to include them. The problem is that my future wife and I are very, very paranoid that he will find out about the wedding and show up unannounced. My fiancee has been having nightmares about him ruining our wedding day, and we don't know what to do to prevent him from showing up. What can we do?

~Paranoid Groom

Dear Paranoid Groom,

The first thing you need to do, which I hope you've already done, is to communicate with those on your dad's side of the family that are invited. Make sure they know that your father is not welcome, and to please not mention it to him. This will minimize the chances that he will find out in the first place.

The ever-helpful folks over at DIYBride have declared July to be "Multi-media Month". This week's post deals with online wedding planning, all those lovely sites which offer budget trackers, checklists, guest list and RSVP trackers, pages for vendors and music and dress sizes and ... everything you need to plan your wedding, really.

If you're a binder bride or a spreadsheet bride, that's fine. But if you'd love to use online tools, but have simply been overwhelmed by the sheer range of choice out there, check out the Online Planning Tools post. A range of sites were evaluated using a number of factors: ease of use, selection of tools, overall design and presentation, and reputation/reliability.

Couple's therapy moves online with the launch of eHarmony's (yep, the match-makers) new website, eHarmony Marriage. Here couples can get help with their relationship problems from an online therapist. The process starts with each person filling out a questionnaire that spans key marital issues from money to spirituality. The questionnaires are culled into a report that highlights the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship. That's just the free stuff. If that sounds a little too automated, you can subscribe (starts at $150 for three months) to the program and access a library of videos and articles to help with your specific issues. It could be that online counseling is the perfect starting place for struggling couples – it's less expensive than a series of appointments and it's relatively anonymous. But, its effectiveness is yet to be proven.

The state of Hawaii is cracking down on beach weddings and, beginning August 1, will require all commercial weddings (meaning somebody is making a profit) to have proper permits. That means wedding planners, officiants, musicians, and others will need to have a permit in order to work your wedding.

People within the Hawaiian beach wedding industry are appalled, and concerned that the need for permits might take smaller companies and individuals right out of business. Beach weddings have been on the decline for the last year or two, and they fear this could be the nail in the coffin. There is a universally acknowledged need to work toward preserving the islands and the beaches, but the permits can be cost prohibitive because they aren't issued without proof of liability insurance plus the minimum $20 fee.

The government has stated that it will not halt any weddings as they are in progress, but it would still be a smart idea for anyone planning a Hawaiian wedding to double check with their vendors to make sure all bases are covered.

When you get married, changing your name is not as simple as telling people "Call me Mrs. Smith now." You need to change all your identification, your bills and credit cards, your bank accounts, etc. And guess what? All of these things requires a different set of forms and a different process. Fantastic.

MissNowMrs is an online name-changing service that guides you through the different papers and procedures for legally changing your name. It's much like using computer software to do your taxes. You'll still have to print out the forms and deliver them in person to most places, but the service provides you with all you need to know to do that. This service costs $29.95, but some bridal shops give out coupons to make it free when you buy your dress there.

BrideLaw is a similar service. It is free and will help you with the forms for all the government-related name change requirements.

Picture your wedding for a moment. You and your groom, standing in front of friends and family, repeating heartfelt vows to each other. Suddenly, the back of your dress drops out and you're exposed for the whole audience to see. Sounds like a bridal nightmare doesn't it?

That exact scenario happened to an Italian bride, and now she's suing the dress designer. Her $4,000 dress fell apart, embarrassing her in front of everyone she knew. The suit she's bringing includes moral and financial damages, totaling almost $40,000.

Are you getting a dress made for your wedding? Here's how you can avoid a scene like that.

1. Get recommendations. Find out who else has used your seamstress. Ask for references and see if they were happy with the end product.
2. Watch out for cheap products. If the price is too-good-to-be-true, it probably is. You want affordable, not cheap. A cheap dress with shoddy workmanship can only spell trouble.
3. Examine prior work. Ask to see some of the work they've done previously. Look closely at the stitching, especially in stress areas. Give the seams a light tug (don't yank the item, just give a gentle pull). Are the seams and stitching nice and snug? Is the stitching neat and tidy? Attention to detail means your seamstress takes pride in her work.
4. Get a final fitting. Make sure you get that final fitting on your dress and look closely at the work. It should be pretty obvious if something's not right, like such poor stitching that the back of the dress could fall out!

We're not really sure how the bride didn't notice such poor work that her dress fell apart. But with some simple precautions on your part, you should be able to avoid the same fate and truly enjoy your day.

Image: copyright Becky Scott

5. Webcasting is not expensive – most companies charge $350-600 to webcast and archive for a month.
4. You don't need super-fancy equipment -- just a computer, camera, and Internet access.
3. It works...usually. Viewers should beware of any firewalls they have in place that block transmission.
2. Your friends and family are spread across the globe and can't all be there in person – with a webcast, they can see you and other family members who are present.
1. The price of gas and sluggish economy are bumping up lots of other costs making travel prohibitive even within this country. With a webcast, it's almost like being there, except they'll have to pour their own campaign.