AisleDash

Dear AisleDash,

My aunt's fiance wants to elope. He wants their wedding to be just him, my aunt, and her 14-year-old daughter, and then they will make a family announcement after the fact. My aunt and cousin don't want that, though. My aunt has never been married and she wants a small wedding, and my cousin doesn't want her mom to elope, either. She's waited a long time to find the right person and my cousin and I have agreed she deserves at least a small wedding. We are slowly convincing him. Any advice?

~R.

Dear R.,

No one should force their significant other into anything they really don't want. That means that your aunt's fiance shouldn't force her into giving up her wedding, but it also means she (and you and your cousin) shouldn't force him into participating in a wedding he's really against. This shouldn't be a deal-breaker; people that are right for each other are able to talk things over and reach acceptable compromises.

It sounds like that's what's going on now -- you say you are slowly convincing him. The key is to present your argument for a wedding without twisting his arm or begging him to do something he's not interested in. Instead, show him how the small wedding you and your aunt and cousin want doesn't have to be that different from an elopement. Some people can't help but think of giant spectacles when they think of weddings, so your aunt will need to assure him that what she wants is not at all the giant ordeal he's afraid of.

Everyone is pretty clear on what the bride and her mother will be up to for the duration of your engagement: planning a wedding! Some women give the impression that they've been planning this event in their head since the first wedding they attended at the age of six, and now the starting pistol has fired in real life, look out!

Thing is, your mom's a woman, too, and maybe she's been planning a wedding in her head, too. Only (in this wedding at any rate) she's got a son, not a daughter. What does the mother of the groom do?

While she doesn't do as much as the mother of the bride, there are a few things that are just for her.

All along you've assumed that after the big day your bride will become Mrs. Groom. You're sitting in the kitchen, chatting with her sister, and she very casually mentions that she will not be changing her name. Most women in the US do change their names, but a certain percentage (10 - 20, depending on who you read) do not. For some men, this is not a big deal: she's agreed to marry you, after all, live with you forever, put up with your goofy sense of humor, maybe even have your babies. That's plenty!

Others, the traditional sort, might find this a bit hard to take. They might see it as a personal rejection, and react accordingly. Of course, it's not a rejection. She's agreed to marry you, live with you forever... (you know the drill, we just said all that). But it can feel that way, anyway.

You might need to have a conversation. Not a conversation so that you can change her mind, a conversation so that you can understand why she's made this choice. Before the conversation, though, think for a bit -- really, really think -- about how it would feel to have to change your name to hers. Never mind that it's not "traditional", and thus "stupid". What would it feel like? And if even a teeny little part of you says, "I couldn't do that! It's my name!", you don't need to have the conversation with her. You already understand why.

Fathers of the bride are often given no more than a passing sentence in the etiquette books, and it's an expensive one: "Traditionally, the wedding and reception are paid for by the bride's family." As bridal couples are more and more likey to have been living independently (and, most of the time, together) for some while before the wedding, they are also more and more likely to be paying for their own wedding. An increasing percentage of brides escort their own selves down the aisle.

Which leaves dad doing ... what, exactly? Some dads don't want anything more. Some are perfectly content to wear what they're told, show up when and where they're told, and otherwise stay out of the limelight.

If you'd like more input than that on this most important day, there are a few things you can be doing that your daughter will truly appreciate. Experienced FOTB Ken York has a few pointers for you. The first one starts with not your daughter, but her mother. Give her something (Ken suggests jewelery), and with the gift say something sweet and thoughtful about all her hard work in raising this lovely young woman. If that doesn't make you Man of the Year (or at least the Hour) in her heart, we don't know what will.

Other tips?

Weddingbells, a Canadian wedding magazine, invited its readers to share some stats about their wedding. Fifteen hundred of them obliged, resulting in the following facts and figures:

The Canadian bride is 29 years old when she gets engaged, and close to three-quarters of all brides-to-be are living with their fiance when he pops the question. Most proposals occur between December and February, with the weddings following up to ten months later, most between July and September.

Close to two-thirds of couples pay for their weddings themselves, and though they thought it would cost them around $17,000, in fact it generally cost something over $25,000. Isn't that always the way?

If you're a Canadian bride, check out the full list of statistics at Wedding Bells, and see how your plans and budget compare!

via: Canada.com

Wedding Betting allows you to view a picture of a happy couple and decide whether they'll stay together or not. You have a range of choices, from "barely past the altar" to "happily ever after." You base your decision on ... well, we're not quite sure what. The shape of their noses? The sincerity in their eyes? How many freckles she has?

If you truly want your relationship to be judged by legions of strangers, you can submit your own pictures. But what about follow-up? I mean, you'll have an obligation to all those people who voted. If your marriage doesn't make it to "happily ever after", which of you will pop back in and share the bad news?

Although he's celibate and admits to having no personal experience with intimate relationships, Father Pat Connor has seen his fair share of both marital bliss and strife in his 51 years as a priest. That's why he's now talking to high school age kids about what to look for in a spouse. He directs his counsel mostly to young women, because they are more interested, more likely to listen, and more likely to heed the advice. And he wants to get to them before they fall in love, when emotions take over and reason seems to fly out the window. On the warning list are guys who are tied too tightly to their mother's apron strings (because they can't make their own decisions), guys with no friends (because they don't know how to maintain a long-term relationship), and guys with financial troubles (because of the obvious reasons). While that may leave you wondering who's left to choose from, Connor stands behind his advice, warning that you can't change your partner after you're married, so it's a good idea to choose carefully from the get-go.

Dear AisleDash,

My family life is pretty messed up. My parents are divorced, and I try to stay involved with my dad's side of the family, but I don't ever want to see my father. Ever since I was very young, he was both physically and emotionally abusive, addicted to drugs, and made my life miserable whenever possible. Obviously, he won't be invited to my wedding. We are inviting his parents and his brother, though, because I have always had a good relationship with them and want to include them. The problem is that my future wife and I are very, very paranoid that he will find out about the wedding and show up unannounced. My fiancee has been having nightmares about him ruining our wedding day, and we don't know what to do to prevent him from showing up. What can we do?

~Paranoid Groom

Dear Paranoid Groom,

The first thing you need to do, which I hope you've already done, is to communicate with those on your dad's side of the family that are invited. Make sure they know that your father is not welcome, and to please not mention it to him. This will minimize the chances that he will find out in the first place.

Couple's therapy moves online with the launch of eHarmony's (yep, the match-makers) new website, eHarmony Marriage. Here couples can get help with their relationship problems from an online therapist. The process starts with each person filling out a questionnaire that spans key marital issues from money to spirituality. The questionnaires are culled into a report that highlights the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship. That's just the free stuff. If that sounds a little too automated, you can subscribe (starts at $150 for three months) to the program and access a library of videos and articles to help with your specific issues. It could be that online counseling is the perfect starting place for struggling couples – it's less expensive than a series of appointments and it's relatively anonymous. But, its effectiveness is yet to be proven.

Doesn't sound very romantic, does it?

But then, much of marriage isn't particularly romantic. Leaky basements, colicky babies and demanding in-laws are not romantic. Nor are stressful jobs and money worries, but things like this will undoubtedly be part of your future together. None of that is nearly as much fun to think about as the wedding, however, which is why "many people spend more time planning their wedding day than the remainder of their married life", says Dyan Cross, co-author (along with Dr. Marilyn Daryawish) of the book Marriage is a Business.

Sometimes you can find the most lovely decorating ideas by looking outside the traditional places. These lovely and delicate soap leaves are not manufactured as wedding accessories -- but wouldn't they be terrific? Yes, they're soap leaves, delicately scented with honey. You could treat them as soap, and send them home as wedding favors, though at almost $13.00 a box, you might find that a bit expensive.

You could, however, think outside that box. You could open it right up, in fact, and scatter these gold-toned leaves along the tablecloth. Treat them as lightly-scented, decorative confetti. If you sprinkle them with a light touch, particularly if you intersperse them with some other form of table confetti, they will add drama without breaking the bank. These would be particularly effective for a fall wedding.

If you're interested in more information on these Soap Leaves, contact Wrapables.

If you're convinced your wedding is Your Day, and everyone participating in it, from wedding party through parents to guests are there only as an audience ... well, you ARE a Bridezilla, and probably proud of it. You may skip this post.

If, however, you're generally a regular human being, but you're wondering if you're getting just a little ... intense ... about this whole venture, read on. It's easy, in the hectic throes of wedding planning, to get a little carried away. When you see your bridesmaids exchanging glances you're not supposed to see, you'll want to go through this handy checklist, and make the changes necessary.

Once you begin planning a wedding, the people you work with -- from vendors to planners to distant relatives who want to stay "in the know" -- begins to quickly add up. You can certainly feel pulled in many directions from the moment you accept your guy's proposal. C & G Weddings -- who created the funky and fun Bride CEO bag -- have now come up with an easy (and original!) way to handle those people in your life (and in your wedding!) who are a little demanding of your time and information.

The "Busy Bride Calling Card" contains all the information that many vendors (and others) will request from you without you having to wear out your hands or exhaust yourself. C & G Weddings -- a wedding consulting firm -- know a bride's time is precious and her sanity is even more so. They created these cards for the busy bride to drop in the mail, clip to forms, hand out at expos and potential venues, so her time can be better spent on all those important wedding details that rack up over time.

The cards come in seven possible motifs and cost $39.95 for 100 cards. The "Busy Bride Calling Card" is only available at CandGWeddings.com.

Exercising together, as a couple, has multiple payoffs for your relationship. First, it makes you both more accountable to the work out routine. If your mate is there counting on you and encouraging you, you're less likely to skip out. Second, it helps you balance your fitness training. Since most women prefer cardio exercise and most men prefer strength training, working out together helps you both get the balance you need for optimum health. Also, working out with a partner is healthier because you have someone to spot you or help you when needed. Finally, it helps bring you closer. Couples find that especially work outs like yoga or pilates help bring them eye-to-eye in a relaxing atmosphere – and this builds intimacy even outside the gym.

If you do decide to work on a mutual fitness program, keep compromise top-of-mind for success. Choose a time, place and activity that works for both of you, or take turns with your favorite activity. Don't turn work outs into a competition. It's about getting healthy and getting closer together, even if you can run a whole mile further. Finally, make togetherness the priority by blowing off the hard-sweat work out and taking a walk through the park or relaxing bike ride once in while. This will keep the fun factor high and boredom at bay.